A night among others.

I have not written in so long.
I want you to know,
I FEEL ALIVE.
And not in the "I'm here.. I'm alive" sort of way.
I feel alive in the way that my heart has never beat so rhythmically and my smiles have never been so constant.

I FEEL SO FREAKING ALIVE.

I feel a giant disconnect from myself.

I want nothing but my bed and the smell of my house.

It has been ages since I last blogged. I find myself busy a lot this semester. Also, I am very lazy and simply put, I forgot about this blog.

Does anyone even read/check it anymore?

I am currently laying on Andy's couch. He is on the floor playing music on his computer. I have done nothing today. I was very sick this past week and am getting over it now. I needed my parents here to take care of me. People here just stay away from you when you're sick. Rightfully so.

School is going well. I really love color darkroom, though it is quite hard. I'm going to scan some of my stuff once I get it back from my teacher and post it. I also am going to make a blog of just my photography, so I'll post that when I make it too.

The weather is still very cold, but spring is starting to come in little spurts. I'm so excited to see flowers again. The sun is shinning today but I haven't gone outside. I think I will soon.

I've met some nice new people this semester. I need to meet some more, because I find myself getting bored and disappointed with the people around me. Drugs are a big part of college life, but not my life. It's hard to find a way to avoid it. Many nights, like last night, I sit in my room and skype with Thayer. She is by far the best person in my life lately and we talk more than we did even when we lived together. She will be up here for my spring break in 19 days. We are overjoyed.

I'm missing home a lot lately. I need hugs from my parents and my friends like you can't believe. No one hugs here. No one. And when you thrive off of affection, this becomes a problem. A big problem. =/

Well, I'm going to go take a shower and go get some food with the boys.

I will try my best to update this more.
Try... :)

oh, mind.

things currently consuming my life:

001. this transitional faze that is scaring me so deeply.
002. boxes stacked and walls cleared for depature of my dear friend.
003. knots in my stomach causing me grand confusion.
004. heavy coats and wet boots.
005. f.i.n.a.l.s.

thursday my mind will be cleared from 4,5 and ready to deal with 1,2,3.
i take that back. being ready seems impossible.

just get me to my real bed at ponder ave. there i can be alone and at peace with my thoughts.

There is no greater feeling than walking the quiet, still, snowy streets of Chicago. I felt like a child again. I needed that feeling so badly. I'm fast losing my sanity and am finding it hard to know where to go next. Things are going to work out, though. I just need to get through this rough patch. After winter comes spring. I just got to hold on and not give up. I need to keep finding the beauty in things.

Tonight was beautiful.

My kind of town.

I got to spend Wednesday-Sunday with the most important people in my life. Now it is back to reality. Back to reality? That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard. That is not how it should be.

Wednesday my parents came up and it was beautiful to see them. Aaron came over and we hung out for a few hours until we left Aaron and went to Madison, the place I am finally realizing is quickly becoming my second home. We had an amazing thanksgiving and an amazing time being in love with each other. Saturday we came back to Chicago and my body was overwhelmed with excitement. I feel at home here. We were all together at Aaron's. Just how it should be.

Now we're all separate again, each surviving in twos (well threes in my case).

I've spent the first snowy day of the year feeling okay but knowing I am completely missing a part of my soul.

Since being in Chicago, I have longed for home. Whether it was the blue sky, warm sun, or my "friends", I thought there would never be a better place than there. Even though I spent the summer hating every minute of the town and the people inhabiting it, since being away it seemed like such a magical wonderland.

Today I came home after class and was suddenly swarmed with the realization of the true feelings Sarasota gives me. I was shown a picture of one of the many parties I never knew about in a house I was never invited to with people I never felt loved by. That is what I'm going home to. That is what I've been desiring?

I finally realize how much I cherish Chicago, my new life, and my new friends. Don't get me wrong, there are people I miss and are longing to see in Florida, but overall, my excitement of going home has completely diminished. And I'm not going to spend time with people I don't want to because we've been away for a few months. A few months cannot recover the feelings certain people have drilled into me. I am going to be with the people that have made me feel confident and happy and have actually spent time talking to me while I'm gone. But I don't want to be home the whole time, because home is not Sarasota. Home is Mom, Dad, Amanda, Aaron, Lanny, Hannah. Home is Grandma, Grandpa, Elaine and fam, Emily and fam, and all Swartzentrubers and Zimmermans.

Mom and Dad, please move to Madison. Same goes to you Elaine.

Wait, who is our president again?

So much has gone on and I have yet to write about it! Silly me. Of course.

PRESIDENT ELECT BARACK OBAMA. Are those not the most beautiful words you have ever heard? They continue to make me smile uncontrollably and push on. I can't believe it happened. And I was in the middle of it all.

To sum up the best night of my life:

The Obama phenomenon in Chicago was huge. Jamie and I went out in the morning and simply walked around. People were everywhere, sporting their Obama gear. Every street corner had a merch seller. Jamie bought 3 buttons. The whole city was alive and connected. Then it was time for the Rally. My friend Andy got a ticket and with each ticket comes a guest ticket. He took me as his guest. After pushing our way through people, standing in crowds for what seemed like forever, and going through security, Andy and I and his 3 friends bolted as fast as we could to the stage along with millions. We ended up getting about 150 feet from the stage. As luck has it every person grew 5 inches before the rally except for me. But, it didn't even matter. I talked to my neighbors, laughed with them, cheered with them, boo'd with them and acted as if I knew them for years. We all were together in this, no matter what. Then it happened. We heard that same projection ring on the big screen of CNN, all looked to see what state he won and saw in big bold beautiful letters PRESIDENT-ELECT OBAMA. I saw the screen for half a second before the whole crowd was floating in the air. Bodies were off the ground and hearts were lifted. My voice rang as loud as it could and I lost track of thought. We actually did it. YES WE DID! 

When Obama came on the stage to speak, I only got a quick glance at him due to my new midget status, but his words filled my body like I had lived my whole life without water. Never before in my life have I felt so proud to be alive, nay, to be an American. I sang the National Anthem with the upmost pride. I am an American. FINALLY!

After the speech was done, there was no possible way we could get out of the park quickly, so we didn't. We hung around and went closer to the stage in opposition of everyone else. With my camera in hand I snapped and snapped and snapped. A huge American flag was present and people were lining up to hold it and take photographs with it. We all were proud and we wanted to flaunt it. I danced. I jumped profusely. I couldn't stop my body from being in motion. Change was all around me. Beauty was all around me. Finally when we got out of the park the streets were closed down and people were hugging strangers, exchanging smiles and high fives and homeless men were crying for joy. The whole city was one. There were no boundaries, no race, no sex, no divisions. I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together.

I was, for a moment in time, in the best place on the whole earth. I was in the middle of history. I will never forget that night. Whenever I doubt or lose hope, I remember that magnificent day. Things will work out eventually. 

Let the changes begin.