oh, mind.

things currently consuming my life:

001. this transitional faze that is scaring me so deeply.
002. boxes stacked and walls cleared for depature of my dear friend.
003. knots in my stomach causing me grand confusion.
004. heavy coats and wet boots.
005. f.i.n.a.l.s.

thursday my mind will be cleared from 4,5 and ready to deal with 1,2,3.
i take that back. being ready seems impossible.

just get me to my real bed at ponder ave. there i can be alone and at peace with my thoughts.

There is no greater feeling than walking the quiet, still, snowy streets of Chicago. I felt like a child again. I needed that feeling so badly. I'm fast losing my sanity and am finding it hard to know where to go next. Things are going to work out, though. I just need to get through this rough patch. After winter comes spring. I just got to hold on and not give up. I need to keep finding the beauty in things.

Tonight was beautiful.

My kind of town.

I got to spend Wednesday-Sunday with the most important people in my life. Now it is back to reality. Back to reality? That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard. That is not how it should be.

Wednesday my parents came up and it was beautiful to see them. Aaron came over and we hung out for a few hours until we left Aaron and went to Madison, the place I am finally realizing is quickly becoming my second home. We had an amazing thanksgiving and an amazing time being in love with each other. Saturday we came back to Chicago and my body was overwhelmed with excitement. I feel at home here. We were all together at Aaron's. Just how it should be.

Now we're all separate again, each surviving in twos (well threes in my case).

I've spent the first snowy day of the year feeling okay but knowing I am completely missing a part of my soul.

Since being in Chicago, I have longed for home. Whether it was the blue sky, warm sun, or my "friends", I thought there would never be a better place than there. Even though I spent the summer hating every minute of the town and the people inhabiting it, since being away it seemed like such a magical wonderland.

Today I came home after class and was suddenly swarmed with the realization of the true feelings Sarasota gives me. I was shown a picture of one of the many parties I never knew about in a house I was never invited to with people I never felt loved by. That is what I'm going home to. That is what I've been desiring?

I finally realize how much I cherish Chicago, my new life, and my new friends. Don't get me wrong, there are people I miss and are longing to see in Florida, but overall, my excitement of going home has completely diminished. And I'm not going to spend time with people I don't want to because we've been away for a few months. A few months cannot recover the feelings certain people have drilled into me. I am going to be with the people that have made me feel confident and happy and have actually spent time talking to me while I'm gone. But I don't want to be home the whole time, because home is not Sarasota. Home is Mom, Dad, Amanda, Aaron, Lanny, Hannah. Home is Grandma, Grandpa, Elaine and fam, Emily and fam, and all Swartzentrubers and Zimmermans.

Mom and Dad, please move to Madison. Same goes to you Elaine.

Wait, who is our president again?

So much has gone on and I have yet to write about it! Silly me. Of course.

PRESIDENT ELECT BARACK OBAMA. Are those not the most beautiful words you have ever heard? They continue to make me smile uncontrollably and push on. I can't believe it happened. And I was in the middle of it all.

To sum up the best night of my life:

The Obama phenomenon in Chicago was huge. Jamie and I went out in the morning and simply walked around. People were everywhere, sporting their Obama gear. Every street corner had a merch seller. Jamie bought 3 buttons. The whole city was alive and connected. Then it was time for the Rally. My friend Andy got a ticket and with each ticket comes a guest ticket. He took me as his guest. After pushing our way through people, standing in crowds for what seemed like forever, and going through security, Andy and I and his 3 friends bolted as fast as we could to the stage along with millions. We ended up getting about 150 feet from the stage. As luck has it every person grew 5 inches before the rally except for me. But, it didn't even matter. I talked to my neighbors, laughed with them, cheered with them, boo'd with them and acted as if I knew them for years. We all were together in this, no matter what. Then it happened. We heard that same projection ring on the big screen of CNN, all looked to see what state he won and saw in big bold beautiful letters PRESIDENT-ELECT OBAMA. I saw the screen for half a second before the whole crowd was floating in the air. Bodies were off the ground and hearts were lifted. My voice rang as loud as it could and I lost track of thought. We actually did it. YES WE DID! 

When Obama came on the stage to speak, I only got a quick glance at him due to my new midget status, but his words filled my body like I had lived my whole life without water. Never before in my life have I felt so proud to be alive, nay, to be an American. I sang the National Anthem with the upmost pride. I am an American. FINALLY!

After the speech was done, there was no possible way we could get out of the park quickly, so we didn't. We hung around and went closer to the stage in opposition of everyone else. With my camera in hand I snapped and snapped and snapped. A huge American flag was present and people were lining up to hold it and take photographs with it. We all were proud and we wanted to flaunt it. I danced. I jumped profusely. I couldn't stop my body from being in motion. Change was all around me. Beauty was all around me. Finally when we got out of the park the streets were closed down and people were hugging strangers, exchanging smiles and high fives and homeless men were crying for joy. The whole city was one. There were no boundaries, no race, no sex, no divisions. I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together.

I was, for a moment in time, in the best place on the whole earth. I was in the middle of history. I will never forget that night. Whenever I doubt or lose hope, I remember that magnificent day. Things will work out eventually. 

Let the changes begin.

Election day!

Today in Chicago is known as "Obamapolooza!" And I am going out to photograph this city in action. 

This is a photojournalists dream.

Updates are needed. 

Mom and dad were here last weekend and the weekend before that for parent's weekend. There are no words to describe the joy and happiness I felt being with them. We hung out with Aaron and Hannah also which was very nice. Amanda and Lanny felt left out so they came down for a one night visit. During one car ride the whole original Zimm fam was together and we all joked together and were the family I grew up with. I love all the additions to our family, but it felt wonderful to just be with the people who I've lived with all my life. 

Mom and dad went to Madison for the week then and I just had school. Nothing really to report. I know. I'm so exciting aren't I? I did have a really fun week though. Saw the midnight showing of SAW V, rain (at least) 6 blocks in the cold cold rain, went to a comedy theatre club place and saw Found Film Festival - these two guys gather old 80's/90's movies (exercise, christmas time, christian shows for kids, harassment work videos, etc) from Salvation Army and the like and make montages that are hilarious. So actually, it was the most eventful week I've had in awhile haha.

Then mom and dad came back on Sunday and I had to say goodbye ;[. I spent the rest of the day with Aaron and Hannah and had a great time. I really need to hang out with them more than just the weekends. 

My roommate Caitlyn is my least favorite person right now. I would go into detail but the best way I can describe her is : OVER DRAMATIC. She flipped out about a few of her things being knocked over while she was away this weekend. It happened on accident by my friend Andy and he apologized to her and asked to help. All it was was some of her jewelry on our floor and a pair of her ridiculously expensive Jordan sneakers fell onto her bed. Her BED. A soft bed. I can understand someone getting upset because that does suck but he blew a fuze, told him she was going to slit his throat for destroying her room, and won't talk to him or even look at him. She was also really angry at all the rest of us girls. Why? Some pistachio shells were laying by the trash can and she said "why was it not Jamie's first priority to clean that up when she woke up this morning!?" I could go into a long speech, but it isn't worth my time. She is nuts. That was two days ago. She seems to have mellowed out some towards us but not to Andy. He was talking to me on my bed last night and she came in and didn't say a word and crawled under her blankets with her ipod on. Okayyyyy, whatever!

The weather is getting freezing already. Snow was in the forecast for yesterday, though I saw none. It is currently 38 degrees outside. Jeeeeez. Fall didn't really happen here. Trees got a weird yellow color and I saw maybe two red trees. What a disappointment. I've always looked forward to living in the fall and I got nothing. Oh well. Better luck next year!

One of our best friends from home is coming up tomorrow for 8 days! He is currently my desktop background. Obviously I am excited. :D

I need to write an outline, eat, take pictures, go to class, go to midterm meeting, then darkroom all night. And I need to figure out my idea for my final portfolio for photography tonight. Goodness gracious. 

For now I will finish watching a movie I fell asleep to last night because staying under my blankets sounds way more pleasing then beginning my day. I will regret this later.

Distractions = Satisfactions

I can't seem to get in the swing of things still. There is always something blocking my mind from doing my work:

Ashley came up and surprised us on her fall break. She stayed for 5 days. It was wonderful having a piece of home here. And it was so great that things weren't awkward with her after being apart for 2 months. It was a secure feeling. 

Josh and I are on thin ice again. He, as always, doesn't seem to always understand things. I don't want to go into detail, but I really need some good energy thrown my way. I'm pretty sure it would be best for us both to separate, but that statement is so much easier written down. Despite the differences and difficulties, we still both care for each other immensely. And I know we both don't want to lose our friendship, either. It is all so confusing and heart breaking. Love sucks. 

I am getting over a stye in my eye. My first one ever. Only lasted 2 days. It was pretty painful but not as bad as people made it seem. Still, it was an inconvenience. 

I'm doubting my abilities as a photographer. I can't seem to find inspiration therefore my work is really lacking depth. I procrastinate, complain, and hurry. I'm feeling very indifferent about darkroom too. I hate spending so much money on film and paper and I hate being around so many chemicals constantly. But I love the solitude it offers. Spending 4 hours only getting 2 prints, though, sucks. I want to do digital. I think. I don't know!!! But I am definitely not liking any of my work. Today, however, was the first day my darkroom teacher said "I really like this photo" to me. I've been dying for his approval because it isn't easily given. I thanked him and walked back in the darkroom to fix the print with the hugest smile on my face while "Chicago" by Sufjan Stevens came on my ipod (which if you do not know I highly suggest listening to). It was the best moment ever. It revived me a little. My goal now is to look up tons of photographers and see what inspires me and experiment experiment! I just wish experimenting wasn't so risky with film.

My parents are coming in two days! Nothing has ever sounded so sweet and wonderful. Then Nate comes next weekend. 3 weekend visits in a row! October is the best month.

Monday I turn 19. 19? Doesn't that sound so unpleasant? My last year as a teenager. What an awkward year. 18 was a big fun year and 20 will be exciting, but 19? I'm not very thrilled.

I've got class in an hour. Couldn't I just stay home and nap all day? Curl up in my blankets and watch the sun set? No. I've got class and tons of cleaning to do. And homework in 2-d design and darkroom which requires me to not be at home. Which in essence means I'm totally going to blow it off. until this weekend but I won't even have time this weekend because I will be with my parents! :] Am I complaining? No. Will my grades? ..... Yes. Do I care right now? Well, maybe I shouldn't post that answer. After all, the people paying for my education are reading this...... Don't worry. I'll get it done eventually! ..... :D

Worry.

I know my dad will be okay. I know the signs are all clear.

But there is still a problem. 

And I am so far away from home.

I can't get my work done tonight.

How am I supposed to write an essay about home? 

=/.

I'm ready to come home.

Rebekah and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

So sorry it has been awhile. I realized I'm not good at blogging. Perhaps I'll get better.

For a quick update I did my first printing today in darkroom! It was so much fun. I can't wait to do more. Being in there is so relaxing, peaceful and ritual. I know I'm going to love doing it all the time.

We have become great friends with the boys next door to us and hang out with them every moment of every day. Andy and Ryan. I really really like them. Besides that I have made friends with a few other girls in my photography class, but not a ton yet. We mostly spend our days in our or the boy's next door place.

This weekend I am going to Madison and thank god. For some reason today was just plain awful. Everyone is mad at someone and its making everything awkward. It is the perfect time to get away and get rejuvenated. I absolutely cannot wait!

I've been getting barely any sleep. I guess not having parents tell us when to go to bed has correlated to never going to bed. I have gone to bed around 3am almost every night this week and when you ahve 830am classes, well, it is not fun.

On that note, I think I'm going to go to bed. This bad day needs to be over now.

Or maybe we'll make a cake first then I'll go to bed.

Oh, college life.

All I can say is I am so glad high school is over.

All that drama.

God I'm so glad its over.

College, I love you.

Last weekend before classes.

This was a nice weekend before school starts. We for the most part laid around in our apartment. The few things I did do included: The Dark Knight in imax, karaoke night, frisbee in the park with josh, library with josh (I'm reading Lullaby by Chuck Palahnuik and House of Leaves by Mark Danieleweski) , breakfast at dinner (a free school event), rock band (I'm mastering the drums) and ultimate frisbee tonight- Jamie, Josh and I (Team Plymouth) against Lucas, Josh and this other girl (Team 2East8th). Josh and I kicked everyone's butts and won. Jamie helped too :].

Tomorrow I'm hopefully hanging out with Aaron finally and then going to ice cream social with bingo and having a labor day/last night before school party at our place after with my roomies, Josh and his roommate Nic, Dave and his roomie Jesse, Jamie's boyfriend Nick and his brother John and our new friends Lucas, Josh, Katie, Mary Kate and Kristina. We will probably just play rock band and eat too much and perhaps watch a movie. And do nothing related to labor day at all haha. It should be fun :].

Tuesday starts classes. I only have writing and rhetoric 1 from 2pm-320pm. 

Wednesday I start photo classes. I can't wait. Then is a free Andrew Bird concert in Millennium Park. It is going to be a great day!

:D

Swing of things.

Things are going well. I've met some cool people and done some very fun things but the whole realization still has not hit me yet. I keep having bursts of missing my friends and being sick of trying so hard to impress new people, needing hugs and love from my parents, having the desire to see ghoti's barely visible smile and feel the warmth and comfort of my bed. I'm almost ready to just come home and call it quits. But, I know once school starts things will begin to make more sense and things will fall into place. I hope. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE it here. This is such an amazing exciting city. And the people I have met I genuinely like. And my school events have been unbelievably awesome. But its not my home yet. It isn't fully comfortable yet. I'm so glad I have Josh, Jamie, Thayer and Dave though. Having them makes it feel more like home. They are pretty much the only people I hang out with. Partly because we don't have many other friends yet and partly because I don't want us to fall apart when we do meet new people. I love these kids, even Dave who I didn't like much before I left. I love them all and I would be awful without them right now. 

I'm excited for school to start but I'm so nervous. Am I going to make it? Oh yes I am having those normal doubts and fears. I'm a freshman in college. Catch me a break. I know the encouraging words and I cherish their imprint in my brain. Nonetheless, I'm freaked out. 

I'm just ready to get into the swing of things. 

Settling in.

I am officially on my own. Leaving my parents was so much harder than I thought but it hasn't even fully hit. Last night I became so anxious every so often thinking about not being able to run to them when I need them. This is going to be hard, but I guess I have to do it.

Growing up is bittersweet.

On the sweet end I've been having a blast. I'm so glad I have Jamie, Thayer and Josh here though or else I'd feel so alone. My roommate Caitlyn is the biggest sweet heart ever, but she is one busy girl. She is constantly on the go. Our appartment is huge. Its HUGE. And I absolutely adore my room. I'll post pictures at the end. Because, of course, I have the best parents in the world and I have a new camera already. Not only a camera, an upgraded version of my camera. I now own a Nikon D60. It is amazing.

We're trying to meet new people as best as we can. Last night around 11 Jamie asked this guy Lucas she met at orientation to meet up with us and bring some people. Then when we were leaving our room we noticed down the hall this room with its door open and music playing so we thought we should go say hi. Only one guy was there, Tom, and we invited him to come hang out with us. He is so nice. On our way down we met up with his roommate and friend and we developed a large group. We then all met and talked outside for awhile until we decided to go down to the lake. The walk was so nice, the breeze was so crisp and then the talks by the lake were fantastic. I really like it here. I think its going to work out. 

Thank god we have this week of falling into place before we actually start school. Tomorrow is my photography connection meeting. I'm excited. 

I'm a college kid. What!?!?!

Here is a link to the pictures of our place I posted on facebook. If it doesn't work, let me know. 

Pictures!

Welcome to Chicago.

i got on a plane today. my final plane.

i teared up leaving sarasota.

then i started getting so excited.

i landed. i was full of smiles.

i went to get my luggage.

my camera was gone.

we left it on the plane.

we did everything we could.

nothing.

its gone.

some asshole took it.

some asshole took camera full of my last pictures with my friends (which i had yet to put on my computer) and peace pins.

some asshole is carrying around my camera and not feeling guilty.

i've just barely stopped crying.

i feel so used and alone.

and i already have negative feelings for this city.

what was supposed to be one of the best moments ever was so far from it.

i'm trying to get positive, but its hard.

yes i will get another camera. yes i will move on.

but not even an hour into my new life i lost my reason for coming.

this is not fair.

The bad is out weighing the good.

I leave Friday morning.

I've said almost all my goodbyes to the friends that have made me who I am.

It has been one of the most difficult things I've ever done.

Am I doing the right thing going so far away?

Right now, the bad is out weighing the good.

"I wanna call it off.

You hear me?

I WANNA CALL IT OFF."

My last weeks in SRQ.

I'm nearing the end here in my hometown. It is really starting to freak me out. But, the excitement is becoming overwhelming. Dispite my excitement, I am in complete denial that I have 2 weeks left and am spending them doing the exact opposite thing I should be doing- nothing. I need to be packing, hanging out with friends and my parents, having fun, going to the beach, laughing constantly, hugging everyone, and going to the gym for that perfect Chicago body. No. I'm doing nothing. I'm staying up all night alone, sleeping in until noon or later and then sitting all day with my macbook on my lap. Oh yes, I am in denial. And yes, I am scared out of my mind. My mind? In my mind I've got 2 months left still. 

This all has happened so fast. I don't know quite how to breathe. 

I'm so ready to start new. But I'm not ready to say goodbye.