oh, mind.

things currently consuming my life:

001. this transitional faze that is scaring me so deeply.
002. boxes stacked and walls cleared for depature of my dear friend.
003. knots in my stomach causing me grand confusion.
004. heavy coats and wet boots.
005. f.i.n.a.l.s.

thursday my mind will be cleared from 4,5 and ready to deal with 1,2,3.
i take that back. being ready seems impossible.

just get me to my real bed at ponder ave. there i can be alone and at peace with my thoughts.

There is no greater feeling than walking the quiet, still, snowy streets of Chicago. I felt like a child again. I needed that feeling so badly. I'm fast losing my sanity and am finding it hard to know where to go next. Things are going to work out, though. I just need to get through this rough patch. After winter comes spring. I just got to hold on and not give up. I need to keep finding the beauty in things.

Tonight was beautiful.

My kind of town.

I got to spend Wednesday-Sunday with the most important people in my life. Now it is back to reality. Back to reality? That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard. That is not how it should be.

Wednesday my parents came up and it was beautiful to see them. Aaron came over and we hung out for a few hours until we left Aaron and went to Madison, the place I am finally realizing is quickly becoming my second home. We had an amazing thanksgiving and an amazing time being in love with each other. Saturday we came back to Chicago and my body was overwhelmed with excitement. I feel at home here. We were all together at Aaron's. Just how it should be.

Now we're all separate again, each surviving in twos (well threes in my case).

I've spent the first snowy day of the year feeling okay but knowing I am completely missing a part of my soul.

Since being in Chicago, I have longed for home. Whether it was the blue sky, warm sun, or my "friends", I thought there would never be a better place than there. Even though I spent the summer hating every minute of the town and the people inhabiting it, since being away it seemed like such a magical wonderland.

Today I came home after class and was suddenly swarmed with the realization of the true feelings Sarasota gives me. I was shown a picture of one of the many parties I never knew about in a house I was never invited to with people I never felt loved by. That is what I'm going home to. That is what I've been desiring?

I finally realize how much I cherish Chicago, my new life, and my new friends. Don't get me wrong, there are people I miss and are longing to see in Florida, but overall, my excitement of going home has completely diminished. And I'm not going to spend time with people I don't want to because we've been away for a few months. A few months cannot recover the feelings certain people have drilled into me. I am going to be with the people that have made me feel confident and happy and have actually spent time talking to me while I'm gone. But I don't want to be home the whole time, because home is not Sarasota. Home is Mom, Dad, Amanda, Aaron, Lanny, Hannah. Home is Grandma, Grandpa, Elaine and fam, Emily and fam, and all Swartzentrubers and Zimmermans.

Mom and Dad, please move to Madison. Same goes to you Elaine.